A Heart Divided

I am writing this from the east coast of Canada! That's right, I've made it back to The Rock, safe and sound.

I arrived home last Wednesday late in the night, but I honestly haven't had a moment to sit down at my computer and write a real post. Thursday I tried to figure out what time zone I was in by going to bed reaaaally late and getting up really early, then tried to unpack and move my stuff down to the apartment, where I'll be living for an indefinite amount of time. Then I finally caught up with the bride-to-be and heard about all the wedding details. Friday was necessities shopping, coffee with the lovelies Robyn and Grant, and then more unpacking and visiting with Kayla and Gavin. Saturday was Julie's recital, Michelle's bridal shower, and Jana's bachelorette party. Yesterday was church, massive dinner with the fam, coffee with Laura, and the musical at church. TODAY, after spending the morning at the doctors and running errands with my Nan, I finally sat down at my computer for longer than five minutes to finish my paper.

Flat out, I tell ya!

I just emailed in my paper. It was due Friday, but, as you can see, I've had a busy week, visiting with people who are leaving St. John's and celebrating new changes in my friends' lives. But I'm so happy with the paper I submitted (less 4 mistakes I found after I handed it in. Whoops!) It was the most fun I've had writing in a long time, and I'm really proud of what I produced. I haven't felt that way in a few years.

The day of travelling on Wednesday was pretty good. I stayed at Stacey's house on Tuesday night and we stayed up late, making each other laugh. Well, she made me laugh. A lot. (An aside: Stacey is one of the only people I know who keeps limes on hand at all times. If there is ever a lime shortage and a guacamole crisis ensues, Stacey is your gal.) When she brought me to the airport on Wednesday morning, I was uber calm and collected. I didn't cry, even when we hugged and I walked into the sliding doors slowly, like I was in a movie. I got everything squared away with my baggage, which is to say I paid an ungodly sum for an overweight suitcase, and then rushed through security just in time for boarding.

And then.. well, then I opened my computer and quickly messaged "goodbye!" to my friend Nancy, and sent a few parting texts. And then I started to cry. It hit me how much I was going to miss my friends, how much I've grown to love Vancouver, and how sad it is that this part of my life is ending. As I boarded the plane, the flight attended looked at my ticket, looked at me, and said "You look like you don't want to be on this plane." And for a minuscule moment I thought about turning around, grabbing my obese luggage and settling myself back in the most beautiful Canadian city.

But, obviously, I did not.

The flight to Ottawa was uneventful. Ottawa airport was uneventful. The flight to St. John's was uneventful. I slept a bit, worked on my paper, watched Toy Story 3. The norm.

And now I've been home for 5-ish days. It feels really good to be home. It feels comfortable. I missed my family and my cats and my friends. I missed my bed. I missed my bookshelf. I missed being able to drive and be somewhere in 15 minutes. I missed my church. It's nice that this still works.

And while I don't actively miss Vancouver right now, I still feel like a part of me belongs there. My friend Thea said a beautiful thing to me before I left. I was remarking that I don't feel like I belong anywhere; she looked at me and said, "It's not that you don't belong anywhere; you belong too many places. Once you move away from home, your heart will always be divided."

I think that is beautiful and true. My heart belongs to both coasts, and it'll never be any different now. And I don't know if I'd have it any other way, really.

I'm on the job hunt now. If you want to employ me, I wouldn't say no. Unless you are, like, a hitman, or something. I have terrible depth perception. It wouldn't be a solid business investment.

I also have to finish that 30 Day Song Challenge, because, by gum!, I finish what I start. So, without further adieu, I give you days 29 and 30.

Day 29 - A Song From Your Childhood

Sorry. We played this on our recorders in grade 5 music class. Imagine: 31 ten year olds, most who are not musically inclined, all of whom have not fine tuned their motor skills enough to play the recorder with any melodic flow, belting out "My Heart Will Go On." Positively painful.

Day 30 - Your Favourite Song This Time Last Year

What an anti-climatic end to this little challenge, let me say. Anyway: this time last year I pretty much exclusively listened to Starfield's The Saving One album. This, "Absolutely," is one of my most-played songs on iTunes, and what I listen to before bed most nights. It's probably the most beautiful and raw songs I've ever heard.

Bon soir, mes amis


Unknown said…
That quote is so very true! I just read it and thought to myself how much I miss Montreal, but how content I am to have my family here with me as well. I have an idea of what you feel, and even a year later I still feel as though part of me belongs in Montreal!
Anonymous said…
I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Thanks Jillian!

Anonymous said…
Sadly it is true! The more places you go, the more you feel torn and divided. Some places you can always go back, while others you will never see again.

Marion said…

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